I don't usually write personal journals. I find it hard to put myself under the microscope for others, so I've been slowly writing and re-writing this for more than a week now. It just seemed like the right time to talk about a difficult subject because of the immense effect it has on my photography
I was diagnosed with clinical depression 25 years ago - more than half a lifetime now. Its not something that you can 'cure' or that you 'get over'. Its always there, and you just have to deal with it. Its just a question of trying to learn to control it with a mix of medication, diet and life style and whatever coping mechanisms you pick up along the way.
It is a rollercoaster ride for me sometimes though, and it does have a serious negative effect on my work at times. One week when I'm 'up' I will be full of enthusiasm, making plans, shooting, editing, uploading and all the rest - everything seems possible and the sky is the limit.
Then something happens - you don't always know what - it could be a comment , somebody's actions, or just a rainy day - but everything collapses like a house of cards at this point. The plans of last week get abandoned , confidence hits zero and it all grinds to a halt. And it leaves you horribly vulnerable to so many things you could normally just shrug off.
So why talk about this now? Well its getting a bit more serious this time round - In the last 2 months I've managed to shoot once for just an hour, and i've cancelled 6 or 7 shoots over this period and have nothing new booked. There's a lot of factors colliding here and I'm dealing with them as i can though my confidence is down to virtually nothing - collateral damage I guess. But whatever, the sparkle and fun is missing at the moment.
I'm uncertain how much longer this state of affairs is going to continue, but realistically I'm on Hiatus until I can turn this frown upside down. We'll see.... In the meantime I have a LOT of images stashed up to post from the first half of the year + a few golden oldies from the archives so my usual steady trickle of deviations will be continuing for a while yet
In the meantime i'll leave you with a few from my last shoot with Amber Freya at 'The Gem'